Constant Knot
by Inmyownwords92
Summary: Santana finally tells Brittany how she feels only to get rejected. How will Santana cope with being left by the only person she's truly ever loved? Will her and Brittany be able to get back to where they were? Or will it all turn out for the worst? READ!
1. Heartbreak Beat

Feelings. Emotions. They're just a few of the many things that I, Santana Lopez, do not do. I thought it made everything much more complicated. It made relationships messier and life harder than it had to be. I would rather make cold, logical, calculated decision rather than rely on feelings and emotions to do it for me. Allowing emotions to make you their bitch, I thought, made you weak. So I would rather not feel at all. I built walls that were layered thick with concrete and brick to keep intruders out, that were so tall that no one would care enough to climb or knock down thus keeping my heart protected. I wore armor that was made of titanium so that the slightest dent, cut, crack, break could never happen. I spent years perfecting those walls, that armor, and building on it to protect myself in the stupid game that is love and war. Trust was not an easy concept for me to grasp and I never let anyone in. I kept friends and even family at arms length, never letting them get too close lest they figure me out before I even had the chance to begin to pick through the rubble of who I am. No one could get past my defenses.

Well, that is until Brittany. Brittany Susan Pierce had the ability to make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel before. Not even Sam could come close to making me feel _**anything**_, let alone make me feel something as intense as Brittany did and he was the closest thing I had to a decent relationship. We've been best friends since we were eight and although I didn't activate the heat lasers that protected my heart, I didn't completely let my guard down. But I let her in more than most. So Brittany made it her goal to strip me bear of all my defenses. She tugged and pulled and chipped away at the walls, the armor, until she made a crack. Once Brittany knew she had made me crack, nothing stopped her from breaking me down completely and wiggling her way into my heart. She latched on like a leech and once she did I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I knew from the moment I kissed the her, let her in completely and fully, really felt something, I was done. From that moment on, my heart was Brittany's and there was nothing I could do to get it back. But I was content with letting her have it, trusting for once, that someone wouldn't completely ruin me. But even Cinderella's carriage eventually turned back into a pumpkin and although it was never intentional, Brittany ruined me.

Or maybe I ruined myself. Because I knew what I was getting myself into. Brittany was seeing Artie but I didn't care, I wanted her in any way, shape, or form. I was more than confident that I could handle not getting attached. After all, it was something I just didn't do. At first I tried to make myself believe it was just about the sex, like it was with all the other people I slept with but I knew deep down it was more than that. Sex with Brittany wasn't _just_ sex. I knew it because I could hardly breathe when those blues eyes looked into mine, because with one small touch Brittany could ignite a fire within me I never knew existed, because simply being in the blondes presence made my heart ache with a want that was unfathomable. I knew there was a storm brewing inside of me and the blonde was the cause of it.

I tried to bury those feelings though. I tried my hardest to believe that it wasn't real. That it was just something I was imagining because I, Santana Lopez, could not be in love with her best friend. _I_ couldn't be gay. I was in denial. So I went through boys like I went through clean underwear just to make myself feel normal. It didn't work though. In the end it just made me feel cheap, dirty and used. Then when Quinn and Sam broke up, I latched on to him like a life raft, hoping that he could make the feelings go away. Hoping that he could fix me. There was no such luck because the feeling, it grew. To the point where all I could think about was Brittany. To the point where I was wishing desperately everyday that he was her. To the point where whenever Sam and I had sex, I would imagine it was her making my gut twist with pleasure. Eventually, the feelings became too strong to just push down any further and Brittany became my whole world. That's when I decided it was as good a time as any to let Brittany know.

I felt ready to make that leap, maybe not to jump all the way off the cliff and tell everyone I was the resident lesbian but enough to accept that I was in love with my best friend. I spilled my heart to Brittany, for the first time I embraced my feelings, emotions, the two elements about myself I despised the most. The two elements about myself that I had no control over. I bared all, offered myself up naked and vulnerable but confident that I could make Brittany mine. The punch to the gut I received when Brittany rejected me in favor of Stubbles McCripple-Pants was not what I was expecting. It was far from the response I prayed every night to receive. When the words 'I love Artie too' and 'I can't hurt him' left Brittany's mouth, I felt my whole word start to crash around me and as I desperately tried to grasp at the pieces, in hopes to put it back together. I knew it was an effort gone unnoticed. All the glue on this planet, all the duct tape that any store could supply, couldn't piece back the wreck that was now my world.

I blew my breath out as another night remained sleepless. The light from the moon shone heavily through my window and I couldn't help the racing thoughts that circled in my head. Thoughts of Brittany, thoughts of ways to get her back, fearful thoughts of coming out, pleasant thoughts of wheels' demise. So many thoughts that ran rampant that I wish I could shut off. Just for a second, if the gods would allow, only for some rest. Some peace of mind. But I knew very well that life wasn't that easy or nice for that matter. If it was then I would be able to have the things I wanted the most. The one person I wanted more than anything in this life. I changed my position from staring up at the ceiling to facing Brittany's side of the bed. It was deemed her side years ago and it remained that way til this very day.

I reached out and smoothed my hand across the empty space. I missed the days when Brittany would spend the night, the days when I could feel completely safe in the blondes arms. I missed the way things were. How they use to be. The days when it was just me and Brittany against the world. I missed the days when I wasn't hopelessly in love with her and she wasn't pretending to be in love with Artie. But then again, I always knew I was in love with Brittany. It was always there but never spoken. I rolled over to lay in Brittany's spot and buried my face in the pillow that still smelled of my best friend. I just wanted Brittany back. But my pride wouldn't let me approach her. My pain and stubbornness wouldn't let me attempt to speak to her. Look at her even. It was bad enough I had to watch her be happy with someone else, I didn't think I could take having to hear it from the her own mouth as well. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary things, but I refuse to put myself through that. It would kill me for sure. After what felt like hours of just breathing Brittany in, I returned to my side of the bed, taking the pillow with me. I clutched it tightly to my chest, like if it were Brittany herself as the tears began to fall, and begged for sleep. I didn't sleep much these days so once again, I breathed in deep, smelling Brittany in the pillow as I did, and tried to sleep. It was the only thing that managed to give me peace now.

_**AN: So that was the beginning of the multi-chapter story I was telling you guys about. Tell me what cha think and leave me feedback. It is totally appreciated and I love it. Anyways, I know it was kind of short but there will be longer chapters. Thanks for reading!**_


	2. Maybe I'm Just Tired

I watched the red numbers on my clock flicker from 7:29 to 7:30, the alarm blaring to life. With reflexes quicker than a cat, I shut it off. I had already been up for a half an hour but was highly unmotivated to drag my ass out of bed. Monday mornings were descendants of the devil himself so he could have a jolly laugh at those who despised them. I sighed and although my mind screamed for me to get up, my body protested. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to go to class, especially not the ones with Brittany in them. Or Artie for that matter. I most definitely didn't want to go to Glee club. I just wanted to stay at home, in this bed, and rot away. I knew I was bordering on Rachel Berry dramatic but it was true. So I just laid there, eyes closed, wishing to disappear.

I glanced at the clock again, as it read 7:35, and figured if I stayed in bed any longer my window to grab a coffee before school was going to be gone. And I desperately needed the caffeine. Between being sleep deprived and being an emotional wreck, I needed it just so I wouldn't stab someone who looked at me funny. So I got up and headed to my bathroom. I was in need of a shower after being cooped up in this room all weekend, guzzling down booze, ignoring calls and texts from both Brittany and Sam and a failed attempt at a F.R.I.E.N.D.S marathon. Phoebe and her antics always made me laugh, but then her quirks started to remind me of Brittany and that only caused the water works so I had to stop mid season.

I stepped in the shower at let the warm water wash away the exhaustion I was feeling. This thing with Brittany was draining me but I knew I was the one dragging it out by avoiding her. She wanted to be friends again, best friends even, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't be _just_ friends with her anymore. Things were different now, everything changed and going back to before just seems impossible. Impossible because every time we intertwine our pinkies, I'm going to want her whole hand, because every time she kisses me on the cheek like she use to, I'm going to want her whole mouth, because every time she wants to have sex, I'm gonna want to make love to her. I'm gonna want so much more than what she's willing to give me because I'm afraid to show people the real me. I'm gonna want all of her when she's only willing to give me half. I sighed and tried to shake the thoughts of having her in my bed again. Every place in this house brought back memories of us and I hated it. I never use to shower alone on Mondays. It was the best part of my mornings in fact. Having Brittany here, giggling as she put too much soap on the sponge, kissing me when I got soap in my eye, making silly bubble mustaches or crazy hair styles as she washed her hair. It was the best part of my morning. Even on Monday and that's saying something.

As soon as I felt clean enough, I got out of the shower and made my way to my room to check the time. It was now 7:50 and I rolled my eyes. Looks like I'm gonna be late to first period again. I rummaged through my drawers for something suitable to wear. I threw around t-shirts and jeans finally deciding on a pair of black skinny jeans and a tight white v-neck that showed off a fair amount of cleavage. Just because I was hanging on by a thread, didn't mean I had to dress like a bum. The whole world didn't need to know I was broken. As I pulled out my underwear drawer and rummaged through it, I came across one of Brittany's old shirts. It was my favorite and on the nights when she couldn't stay with me, or when I was feeling like shit and she wasn't there, I would wear it to sleep just to feel close to her. Just to feel safe again. I totally forgot I had it. I pulled it out of the drawer and breathed in the scent that was just Brittany that still lingered after all this time. It was sweet like the pollen of a flower with a hint of orange. My eyes began to sting with the burn of unshed tears as memories of us surrounded me and I shut my eyes against them. I shut my eyes to block out the touches, the laughter, the warmth, the love. I sighed as the all too familiar ache from the gaping hole in my chest began to throb. I wiped away the tears that had betrayed me and escaped against my will. I then grabbed a pair of underwear, threw the shirt back in the drawer and slammed it shut. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, hanging on when clearly I was in this alone.

I dressed quickly, blow dried my hair and headed down stairs. I didn't even need to second guess whether I was the only one home this morning. The silence that always seemed to be present in my house was louder than ever. A constant reminder that maybe I really was alone. My mom was most likely working double or triple shifts at the hospital as usual. I was use to it to be honest. It had been that way for 10 years now. My parents got a divorce when I was 7 and that's when I started noticing the ever present silence that seemed to always be there but I was never miserable enough to notice. It took me a while to understand how two people could go from being in love to completely hating each other. Despising the others existence to the point that they couldn't stand to be around each other. Maybe they were just pretending the whole time and if so, then it was no wonder I could play the game so well. It was all I'd ever known. I remember their relationship in the beginning was normal. Well as normal as any 7 year old could fathom. Then it went from normal to tense, then to arguments, then to full blown screaming and yelling about differences that were probably trivial. On particular nights when it was almost too much to bare, I would barricade myself in my room, hide under my blankets, and squeeze my eyes shut really tight, praying that it would all just stop. That they would both stop yelling and throwing things and verbally ripping each others throats out. I just wanted it to stop. And one day it did. That was the day that my father packed his stuff and moved out, leaving my mother and I on our own. Leaving me prisoner to the silence.

From that day on, it was a rarity that I ever saw my mother's face. She worked so hard at her job to stay up on bills and monthly expenses that she never had time to do anything else. Even if it meant taking on more than she could possibly handle and missing dinner. Or birthdays. As much as I wanted to, I could never truly be mad at her though. She was doing what she had to do so we could live a decent life. I mean we didn't have a bad relationship and she tried to be as involved as her career would let her be; it was just that I never got to see her. Sometimes I think if I don't try hard to remember her face, I might forget it. That's how much she's never around. I sighed glancing at the empty living room then wasted no time in grabbing my keys and heading out the door. Coffee was calling my name and all this reminiscing was starting to take its toll on me.

_**AN: Thanks for reading and let me know what you guys think!**_


	3. Studying Politics

It was only fourth period and the day had already been an emotional blur. I had managed to elude Sam and his pestering all day but that was the only plus. I couldn't pay attention in any class because the one's I had with Brittany were spent being acutely aware that she was staring at me, willing me to just look at her, talk to her, for me to realize that she in fact existed, anything, and the ones I didn't have with her were spent thinking about her, how adorable she looked today, how her smile could sink the fucking sun, how those blue eyes would eventually be the death of me. Which in turn those thoughts lead to me thinking about how she rejected me, chose wheels over me, and cast me aside like yesterday's old tuna casserole. I am no tuna casserole.

That then turned into plotting Artie's demise. I see him everyday in the hall at his locker and I just wanna unlock his wheelchair, politely steer him towards the flight of stairs at the end of the hall where I could easily push him and be done. But then I push those thoughts aside because I know in my heart, this whole mess isn't his fault. As comforting as it was to blame it all on the four eyed geek, I knew it wasn't his fault he fell for Brittany. Who wouldn't? I also knew none of this was Brittany's fault either. It's mine. If I wasn't such a coward, or if I would have accepted my feelings for Brittany sooner, given in when she asked me to do that duet with her, letting fear be a factor in my life choices or any of the other millions things I could have actually done right instead of closing myself off and running away, we wouldn't even be here. Plus, something about pushing a cripple down the stairs is unsettling. And that's coming from me.

I made my way through the crowded halls, everyone's eyes glued to me of course. My drama with Brittany was now the topic of most conversations and it made me despise this school even more than I already did. No one really knew what was going on between us but it didn't stop the speculation from circulating or the rumor mill from churning out bullshit. I mean I even heard someone say that Brittany and I were fighting because I developed the hots for Stubbles and tried to move in on him. First of all, that is absurd and repulsive. Secondly, it is absolutely certifiable. Then Brittany's little moment of word vomit to the McKinley High Muckraker didn't help the situation either. It was a match in a tank of gasoline really, and I was now the resident leper. I was probably just a rank above Rachel Berry and that was depressing. Knocked from Head Bitch In Charge to the bottom of the proverbial food chain. Hell, Becky Jackson was probably more popular than me at this point.

And as of now, I'm pretty sure the whole population of McKinley thinks I play for the other team and even though it isn't really a rumor, I don't want this whole town knowing my fucking business. It was called 'my business' for a reason. The only thing that was keeping the homophobic hounds at bay was the fact that I was dating Sam. Even if he was a decoy. Don't get me wrong, he is a really nice guy, the sweetest, and sickeningly caring but he just wasn't the blue eyed blonde that I wanted.

I rolled my eyes at the situation as I finally made it to my locker. It was only a matter of time before Karofsky and his homophobic, rainbow flag burning buds came knocking at my door, slushies in hand. As I fiddled with my locker combination, I felt her presence before she even materialized. Brittany leaned easily against her locker, eyes burning into the side of my head, waiting for me to give her my attention. I knew this was bound to happen at some point. It was the price I had to pay for having a locker next to hers. But just because it was bound to happen, and because I was stubborn and hurting, it didn't mean I had to make it easy for her. Once she realized I wasn't going to acknowledge her presence, she spoke up.

"Can I ask you a question?" Brittany asked but I didn't answer so she continued.

"We use to be really close Santana. Best friends. We did everything together. And now we don't. You don't answer my texts or my phone calls. You can't even look at me anymore." Brittany said, looking up at me, sadness clouding the what use to be most vibrant blue, turning them a shade duller. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Yeah so? What's your question?" I asked flippantly, frustration getting the best of me. Brittany glanced at her hands before she spoke up.

"My question is did I do something wrong?" Brittany asked innocently and I rolled my eyes, giving up the pretense of opening my locker.

"I don't know Brittany. Did you? All I know is that you blew me off for stubbles McCripple pants. You chose him over me. Whatever though. It's your loss. Now I can just focus on Sam. Like it should be." I said and I could see Brittany's eyes soften.

"You're still dating Sam? But you said you were in love with me." Brittany offered up and I scoffed.

"Yeah. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. And you don't get to question who I date. Not anymore." I said, trying to burn her like she burned me. The flicker of hurt that flashed in her blue eyes didn't go unnoticed. I sighed.

"Why because I'm with Artie?" Brittany asked, eyebrows furrowed and I gritted my teeth at the mention of his name.

"No Brittany, because I told you I was in love with you and you didn't say it back. Instead you chose to keep the cripple and cast me aside. What else do you want me to do? I can't pretend like none of that happened okay? But most of all I won't. So why don't you go back to your boyfriend and stop worrying about me because I'm fine." I said with finality. I knew my words hurt her but right now my frustration was keeping me from caring at all. I could feel her eyes piercing my skin as I tried really hard to remember my combination but that was a task that was near impossible with her staring at me like that.

"Look could you stop staring at me like that? I can't remember my locker combination." I said, turning to face her briefly then back at my locker. As I desperately tried to jog my memory for the right numbers, the sound of wheels squeaking across linoleum was unmistakeable. It was a sound that had grown to grate on my nerves just like the boy who owned them did. He came to a stop next to Brittany and I had to try harder than I ever had to reign in my emotions, lest the jealousy that bubbled up get me held upon charges for murder. I chanced a look over at him, his doffus smile, a spitting image of the one Finn always had plastered on his face, was from ear to ear.

"Hey Britt, you ready for class?" He asked innocently as I finally got my locker open, getting rid of my books, and trying to pretend that I wasn't seething from the inside.

"Hey Santana." The oblivious boy offered up towards me and I gave him a tight lipped smile accompanied by a terse nod in hopes of trying to be civil. If I killed him Brittany wouldn't like that. I could feel her eyes back on me for the briefest moment before I was her smile at him softly from the corner of my eye. Brittany shook her head, letting him know that she was ready for class and took the hand that he offered. I watched both of them make their way back down the hall, Brittany casting a look back at me, and sighed with a roll of my eyes. Watching them together was like voluntarily drinking a gallon of acid for funsies. I slammed my locker louder than was necessary as the bell rang, signifying the beginning of another class that I wasn't going to pay attention in. Skipping this whole thing called school and getting the fuck out of here was looking like a perfect idea right about now.

_**AN: I am glad to see that you guys are liking the story that's super great to know. Here's another chapter...I know they are kind of short but sweet and hopefully I'll be able to knock out some longer ones but let me know what you guys think of it so far? Reviews keep me going lol **_


	4. Save Your Scissors

The bell sounded, signaling the end of sixth period and that only meant one thing. **Glee Club**. Glee Club, where I have to sit and watch Brittany be all over wheels and vice versus. Glee Club, where I have to listen to Rachel's obnoxious babbling about how awesome she is at singing and how everyone could learn a thing or two from her. Glee Club, where I have to hear Frankenteen agree with the little ambitious hobbit and then proceed to watch the two metaphorically ride off into their delusional sunset; while Quinn glared at the both of them only hoping that this time she did actually develop magical powers to make the two of them spontaneously combust. Glee Club, where Sam would immediately turn on the boyfriend button, after not seeing me all day and I would have to pretend to be into him. Glee Club, where Mr. Schue would no doubt have some mediocre lesson prepared that talks about true love, family, honesty or some other asinine aspect in hopes for everyone to become one in togetherness. _**Glee Club**_, the poster child for optimism, rainbows and fluffy unicorns. The things that definitely weren't appealing to me at this very moment.

I rolled my eyes at the sheer thought of it as I made my way to my locker for the thousandth time today. I totally should have skipped out when I had the chance. Don't get me wrong, I love glee club but sometimes, especially when I felt like being a snarky bitch because my heart was slowly being ripped to shreds, they are just too cheery. They were too hell bent on the power of hope curing everything that was wrong with the world and that couldn't be more of a lie than if I told people I was Oprah. And they didn't particularly like that I was always raining on that parade of obliviousness either. I finally reached my locker and I surprisingly didn't have any homework today, aside from a work sheet for chemistry, so I was free to leave all my textbooks in there for today. That was the only good thing that came out of this shit day.

As I did my combination, I had no warning before Karofsky, Azimio and some other jock strap materialized out of thin air next to my locker. _Today is just not my day_. That's all I could think before all three of them pulled different colored icy beverages from behind their backs, two in each hand, and let the cold bashing commence. They came in rapid succession, one after the other and it felt like an iceberg had slapped me across the face multiple times. As they walked away laughing, I stood there sputtering, a rainbow slush falling down my face in thick globs. How ironic ey? It had only been a matter of time really. I had expected it a little earlier though.

The ice was literally burning my cornea's but before I could make a move myself, warm, soft hands were wrapping around my bicep and pulling me down the hall, most likely to the girls locker room. I didn't dare open my eyes on the short trip there. It already felt like someone set my eyes on fire and I'm sure opening them would only make it worse. I was pulled to a stop as water started running and in a few short seconds a warm towel was dabbing at the sticky beverage that had coated my face. Once it was alright to open my eyes, I expected to meet a duller shade of blue eyes but surprisingly I was met with a pair of sympathetic hazel eyes and I internally groaned. Great. I get slushied and Quinn Fabray comes to my rescue. That's one more thing I need today. Quinn reached her hand up to clean my face off once more, but I stilled her hand and took the towel from her.

"I can do it myself." I said, a slight bite in my words. It was no secret that Quinn Fabray and I were not on good terms. Mostly because she stole my spot as head cheerleader, got pregnant by my beard, and told everyone about my implants, thus knocking both of us down a few pegs on the social ladder. I did my share of ruthless backstabbing that turned our friendship to shit as well. It was clearly a no brainer that we would be at each others throats. But as that may well be, I knew none of that shit really mattered. Not anymore anyway. Because I ended up quitting the Cheerios, trading Sue for Shue, and Puck was nothing more than a diversion.

If I'm being brutally honest, I missed being friends with her. Back in the day, there was never a time that I doubted that I could go to her if things got rough. But now it was all claws, name calling, backstabbing, scheming, and pissing on the walls of McKinley High, marking our territory. Metaphorically speaking of course. I truly think we won't ever get back what we had. We had made too much of a mess with it already. Quinn rolled her eyes at my words and took a step back from me. I scoffed at the situation.

"Figures. I get slushied and of course WonderQuinn is there to take it all in." I said, shaking my head as I leaned down in the sink, splashing water into my still stinging eyes. The water soothed it and I looked in the mirror, wiping my face off once more, getting rid of the sticky feeling that was taking over every second. I got a good look at the damage done. It was in my hair and my white v-neck was officially ruined. God, if it wasn't illegal to murder Karofsky for his meat head ways, I would be the first in line to take off a limb.

"I was just trying to help." Quinn said and after getting rid of all the slushy on my face, I turned to face her.

"Oh but Quinn, you don't just 'try to help' anyone, especially me, without some ulterior motive. What is it? Gonna black mail me for my parking spot in the student car park? Did you happen to snap a couple of pictures? Sure those would come in handy for Jew-fro on his blog. I can see the headline now: Former Head Bitch Santana Lopez Gets Slushied." I said snarkily as I watched Quinn's face harden with each word that left my mouth. I knew attacking her wasn't warranted. That my anger was wrongly directed at her but it was a well know defense mechanism and it just came so easily whenever she was present that it was hard to stop myself. Quinn crossed her arms over her chest.

"Look, if you want to be a bitch about it then fine. I won't help you." She said, the flicker of hurt that crossed her features, probably against her will, was the only thing that made me call out to her as she walked away. Plus, I wouldn't be able to get all the slushy out of my hair without her help, lest I get in the shower and I was not doing that.

"Wait." I offered up and she stopped in her tracks. She turned to face me, her features blank and I sighed.

"I didn't mean that. You were only trying to help and me being a bitch about it was uncalled for." I said, knowing that actually saying the words sorry would never happen. It wasn't a phrase that I put into practice often because most of the time I wasn't sorry. Unless it had something to do with Brittany. Then I was but other than that, I didn't say it. And saying it just to make someone feel better was a waste of breathe. If you don't mean the words, then why say them right? Quinn knew that it was as close to any apology that she was going to get from me and accepted it as she made her way back over. She gave me the once over and cracked a smile. If it was any other time I would throw some snide remark at her but I could tell the smile was good natured.

"Karofsky and his goons got you good." Quinn said and I threw her a glare. At that she started laughing and I threw the towel in my hand at her, smacking her with it.

"Eh, it happens to the best of us. Even I have been slushied." She said and I shook my head.

"Here, sit down. I'll get the slushy out of your hair." Quinn offered and I complied, thankful of the gesture, taking a seat on the bench as she went off further into the locker room, coming back in seconds with a plastic chair. She placed it in front of one of the sinks and I sat in it. Quinn turned on the water as I leaned my head back into the sink, the water warm and slightly soothing.

"God it feels like I used gasoline for eye drops." I said as Quinn washed the slushy out of my hair. She let out a laugh and nodded in agreement.

"I know what you mean. It's like someone set a match off right behind your eyelids." Quinn said, her fingers threading lightly through my hair as to get out all of the flavored ice.

"I know. It was all fun and games when others were having that shit tossed up in their grills. But after being subject to that?" I shook my head not knowing what else to say as Quinn let out another small chuckle.

"You know, I think out of all of us glee kids, Brittany is the only one that hasn't been slushied." Quinn said as she turned off the water, positive that she had gotten all the slushy out of my hair. At the mention of Brittany's name, I tensed. It was unintentional but it happened nonetheless and Quinn saw it in the silence. I was just waiting for it. I knew she was going to ask. But I didn't want her to. Quinn grabbed a few clean towels and handed them to me. I draped one over the back of my neck and used the spare to dry my wet hair. Quinn took a seat on the bench beside me and I could see the questions swirling in those hazel eyes, begging to leave her mouth the moment she saw me tense at Brittany's name.

"Speaking of Brittany..."Quinn began and I cut her off.

"Don't Fabray." Was all I said as I continued to dry my hair. I knew that probably wouldn't stop her from going on though.

"What happened with you two?" Quinn pressed and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Don't you know the meaning of 'don't' baby momma? It means do not, aka, _do not_ bring whatever the fuck the person said don't to up after being told don't." I said snidely and I saw Quinn visibly clench her jaw at my cruel nickname for her. It was a sore spot for her. I knew this. But I used it nonetheless just to burn her in hopes that she wouldn't keep pressing me for information. We sat in an uncomfortable silence until Quinn broke it.

"Look Santana, I know that we haven't been on the best of terms," Quinn began and I internally laughed at how much of an understatement that was.

"But even I can tell that whatever really happened between you and Brittany is taking a toll on you. I can see that you're hurting-" I held up my hand, stopping her before she could say anything else.

"First of all, you don't know anything about what I'm feeling alright? I don't need saint Quinn Fabray giving me insight on how she thinks I'm fucking feeling because you don't know jack. Second of all, the only thing you _**know**_ is the shit that the assholes that populate our school toss up in your face. So why don't you just go back to your merry band of geeks and sing songs about how unicorns with hope shining out of their asses are going to change the world someday okay?" I said, venom leaking from my words. Defensive. It's a tactic I was never afraid of using if someone was actually beginning to peek at the inner workings of Santana Lopez. It immediately shut them down, stopped them from trying to dig deeper because they were either hurt or offended by the words I threw at them. Quinn was no different. She rose from her spot, anger burning behind her eyes, changing them for a hazel to a deep green.

"Fine. I get it. You don't wanna let people know that you're actually human. But let me ask you this? Is it working for you? This desperate need you have to shut people out? Is it really working for you?" Quinn asked and I clenched my teeth against the words that cut through me like glass. She gave me one last glance before she made her way out of the locker room. The loud bang of the door slamming would have given me a start if I wasn't already expecting it. I ran my fingers through my still damp hair and sighed frustratedly. Fucking Quinn Fabray. She was one to talk. She was the fucking Pokemon master in not feeling. She had all the fucking badges. I didn't want to spend anymore time in this shit-hole than I had to so I grabbed my bag and headed for the parking lot. I didn't care that my shirt was now stained with a sick color of food dye or that my hair was a mess. I just wanted to go home, take a shower, and forget that this day even happened. Glee practice be damned.

_**AN: Thanks for reading and of course, review and let me know what you think! =]**_


	5. Beauty In The Breakdown

I took another long sip from my good old friend Johnny Walker and let it burn a happy trail from my throat to the pit of my stomach, warming my insides and making me feel lighter than a feather. I turned the volume dial on my ihome up a few notches letting Dallas Green's voice invade my senses and try to calm me. Listening to City and Colour and downing a bottle of whiskey was not the most productive way for dealing with the pain that seemed to double in size in the thick of my chest but it was **my** way of dealing with it. Because really, I didn't know how else to. I didn't know how else to let go of the hurt and the sense of betrayal that built up every time I saw Brittany with _him_. I didn't know how to deal with being around her every single day and not be able to be with her. I didn't know how to deal period. It's been a few days since I've tried my hardest in avoiding them at all cost but it still didn't erase the picture that was now permanently burned into my brain of them. It was Friday and this is how I was spending it. Drunk in my room pining over a girl I could never have. It was low. Pathetic even but it's what I've been reduced to these days. But it was also the only time I knew I could give in to the weakness as well because I knew I couldn't do it anywhere else.

I brought the whiskey bottle back to my lips, taking a generous drink from the glass bottle as my phone buzzed next to me on the bed. I was praying it wasn't Sam again. He had been bugging me all night to go to Puck's party with him but I didn't feel like it. Mostly because I knew for a fact Brittany was going to be there and so was the cripple. Him and Puck had struck up a friendship, which for the life of me I couldn't understand, so it was only logical that he would invite him as well. Even if he didn't, there was no doubt in my mind that he would just tag along with Britt like a lost little puppy. She must have that effect on everyone. I picked up the phone and Brittany's name flashed across the screen. I sighed and flipped it open.

"What do you want?" I asked rather harshly, the booze temporarily disabling the Brittany filter I had come to acquire from my brain to my mouth. I knew I shouldn't be talking to her while I was drunk.

"Um are you alright San?" She asked, her voice soft, making the ache in my chest swell.

"Just peachy damn keen. Does this call have a point or..." I trailed off, wanting her to get on with it. I knew I was being mean to her but I couldn't stop it. It was a snap reflex and the alcohol did nothing to help me stop it either.

"I uh, I was just calling to see how you were doing. We haven't talked since I stopped you at your locker last Tuesday and you didn't show up to school on Wednesday so I got a little worried." Brittany finished and I tried hard not to give in to her words.

"I told you already Britt, there's no need for you to worry about me. I'm fine and I'll be fine." I said, the slight tremble in my voice betraying me. She sighed into the receiver.

"I know that's crap Santana. I can hear it in your voice. Just talk to me." Brittany pushed, frustrating me to no end.

"Have you ever thought maybe I don't **want** to talk to you Brittany? That the reason we haven't talked since last Tuesday is because I don't want to? Because I've been trying my best to avoid you at all costs? I don't want to talk to you Brittany because it hurts. I don't want to have to hear your voice because every time I do, I keep hearing the words that broke me play over and over in my head and it's driving me insane." I said trying to force the angry tears that were threatening to fall back. My eyes stung but I refused to cry. I was sick of crying.

"Why are you being like this? We're suppose to be best friends Santana. No matter what. I just want you to talk to me. To tell me that things will be okay. That this won't ruin us. I just want my best friend back." Brittany said, the sadness that edged its way into her voice urging me to end the call right now before I said something I would regret in my drunken haze but I only scoffed at her words.

"Well you can't have her back. You wanna know why I'm being like this? I'm acting like this because I'm hurting Brittany. I'm hurting because I told you I was in love with you. I told you I wanted to be with you and you rejected me. You tossed me aside for Artie and it crushed me. It still crushes me." I paused, catching my breath.

"Brittany do you know how hard it was for me to admit to myself and to you that I had feelings for you? It was something I struggled with everyday and when I finally got the courage to tell you, it didn't mean a thing to you I-" Brittany cut me off.

"Santana yes it did. It meant everything to me. I was so proud of you for finally opening up. I wa-" I mirrored her earlier actions and cut her off before she could continue on. I had to get everything off my chest.

"Let me finish." I said, getting up from the bed to pace my room. Her silence spurred me on and I took a deep breath, trying to delay the tears that I knew were going to come.

"I finally felt safe enough to say those words out loud, words I've never said to anyone and it was to you. To have you shove them right back down my throat broke my heart Brittany." I said, the tears threatening to fall at any moment.

"To hear you say that you couldn't break up with him, that you couldn't hurt him but found it perfectly fine to hurt me, it felt like someone had stopped my heart. Like someone literally dug inside my chest and squeezed my heart, stopping it. And I can't-" I paused, sniffing back the tears that were falling now against my will. They were hot and spilling down my face a mile a minute and that combined with the whiskey was making my head spin.

"I can't watch you be happy with him Brittany. I just can't. You're my best friend and I know I should be happy for you. I should stop being selfish and thinking about my own heart but I can't. I know you want us to be friends again, go back to the way things were but that's near impossible now because I rang the bell. I rang the bell and I can't take it back now. I can't unring the bell Brittany." I said, feeling the weight of what I was about to say crush me. I couldn't watch her be happy with him and things couldn't go back to the way they were. So I had to cut her off completely. If I wanted to get over her, I had to write her off, just like I did everyone else.

"I'm not blaming you. You love him and you can't control that. You want to be with him and that's not your fault. It's my fault that we're in this mess because I let you in. I let you in when I knew I shouldn't have. I gave you the power to ruin me and that's my fault. I blame myself. But I'm not gonna let that happen again Brittany. I won't." I said and the realization of what I was about to do must have hit her because I heard her breath hitch. I hated doing this to her but it's what's best for the both of us. She was happy with Artie and I needed to get over her.

"Santana don't do this. Please." Brittany choked out, pleading with me and I gripped my phone tighter, the sobs coming from her ripping my heart apart.

"We can't be friends anymore Brittany. You need me to be there for you in a strictly platonic way and I can't. Not anymore. You're gonna want me to listen to you gush over him and I think it might actually kill me to do that. You want to go back to the way things were and I don't. You want to be happy with Artie and I can't stand in your way. You want someone who is gonna be with you publicly and I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe later, once I'm over this we can be friends again. Best friends even. But right now? That's not something I can give you. Because I want all of you Brittany but it's clear that you and I want two different things." I said, finally finishing. I could faintly hear her choke back sobs through the receiver and it broke something in me. I hated making her cry. Even drunken me hated making her cry. But like it's been said somewhere before, you have to be cruel to be kind. Or maybe I was just being selfish. Either way, it had to be done. Well, that's what I would keep telling myself until missing her hurt a little less. There was silence, as I stood still in the middle of my room, the only sound coming from her breathing, before she spoke up.

"Fine. If that's what you want...but it's not fair Santana. I'm sorry I hurt you, I never meant to and I would never do that intentionally but this isn't my fault. I wanted to be with you way before I was ever with Artie but you didn't want me. You refused to accept how you felt about me, how we clearly felt about each other, to even talk about it, and you hurt me time and time again. But I never abandoned you." Brittany said sniffing back tears.

"I never put the way I was feeling above our friendship because I knew what we had wasn't something that could be easily found. I stood by you, watched you go from one guy to the next, while you fucked random people for fun, while you ripped me apart, and I never left you Santana. _**Never**_. And it hurts more than anything to know that you wouldn't do the same for me. That you wouldn't stick by me through it all until I could figure everything out. Just like I did for you. Even if it meant risking my heart so you could figure out what it was you wanted. So I guess maybe you're right. We shouldn't be friends anymore." Brittany finished and before I could even get a word in, stunned by her confession, I was met with a dial tone.

Anger took over my actions before I could stop myself and I turned and chucked my phone across the room, shattering it to pieces against the wall. The tears were coming faster, the anger was bubbling over and I felt like screaming. I bent over, putting my hands on my knees in a desperate attempt to catch my breath and will the frustration away, the alcohol making my anger ten times the size of Texas. I knew this was my fault and hearing her say as much hurt. It made me angry and it made me want to hate her. It made me hate myself. So with the booze egging me on, impairing my already naturally impaired judgment; I stormed around my room collecting every picture and every keepsake she ever gave me, gathering them up.

I then ran down stairs and into my back yard, my hands full, and dumped it on the ground. I took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey, emptying it until it was almost gone and then poured the rest over what was left of Brittany and I. I wasted no time in lighting the match and watching what we had go up in flames, literally and figuratively. The flames ate away at the pictures of our smiling faces, it ate away at the sweet little notes she use to leave in my locker on occasions, the birthday cards, crackling and savoring the taste of our memories. I wiped desperately at the tears that just wouldn't stop but it wasn't working. Nothing was working and as I sunk to my knees in front of the flames, watching the things she gave to me from the kindness of heart burn at the mercy of my own hand, I let out a strangled sob. The dry wind fed the flames, making it roar just like the anger that swirled within me. Tears blurred my vision and before I could even register it, I was looking into hazel eyes again. She didn't say anything this time though, she just wrapped her arms around me.

"I ruined it Quinn. I fucking ruined it." I choked out as she held me tighter, rubbing circles in my back in hopes to calm me down but that only made me cry harder. I was clinging to her as sobs racked my body; the shadow from the flames dancing across our faces. She continued to whisper that it was going to be okay into my ear as she held me, trying her best to make me believe it. I don't know when Quinn Fabray started making it her goal to become my savior, but I could wholeheartedly say that this time I was thankful for it because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to face this thing alone anymore.

_**AN: Santana is just going from bad to worst. Talk about downward spiral. Anyways, I hope you guys are reading and I hope to see more reviews to let me know what you guys think! Also, QUINNTANA FRIENDSHIP! lol**_


	6. Uneasy Hearts Weight The Most

I woke to my room cloaked in darkness and a pounding behind my eyelids that could only be from the bottle of whiskey that I downed. I groaned as I tried to roll over but the arm draped securely across my middle only served to keep me in place. For a fraction of a second my heart leapt because I thought it was Brittany but as I used all my strength to turn over, trying not to wake her, I was met with delicate features but in the form of the wrong blonde. Then I remembered the scattered haze that was me desperately clinging to Quinn in hopes to find some comfort from the pain that coiled deep within my chest only to spread like a cancerous spore. I sighed into the hollow stillness of my room and the disappointment that rose up was quickly replaced with a sense of gratefulness towards Quinn. She could have left me there, crying like a pathetic mess. Lord knows I wouldn't have blamed her but she didn't. And I was thankful for that.

I stared at the ceiling, glowing with the light from the moon that shone through the opening in my curtain as Quinn's even breaths became the soundtrack to this dreadful night. I fucked up. Royally. I manged to push Brittany even further away, the chance that she might not ever forgive me high, when all I really wanted was her by my side. As of now, that may not be an option anymore and once again I was the one to blame. I was to blame because I had this innate ability to make matters so much worse than they were, to push people away to the point that there was no hope for them to ever return, and constantly make myself miserable when I had every chance at being happy. I just couldn't get it right. I felt Quinn stir beside me and I turned back around to face her, eyes shinning a brilliant green in the dark

"Hey," She initiated, sleep still heavy in her voice. She gave me a weak smile that I could faintly see in the dim light of my room and I tried my best to return it. It was probably more akin to a grimace than a smile but it was all I could muster right now.

"Can you tell me what's going on with you San? Please? Because I have never seen you so..." Quinn trailed off trying to think of an appropriate word that described how she saw me but most likely not wanting me to snap at her if it happened to be the wrong one. But I already knew what she wanted to say.

"Broken?" I offered up and she nodded. Silence fell over us like a blanket as I tried to decide whether I really wanted to tell her everything that had been going on with Brittany and I. I could make up some fake scenario involving Sam, try to make her believe it or I could tell her the truth. Finally tell someone, who wasn't Brittany or Ms. Holiday, what was really going on and not have to keep it to myself anymore.

"I'm trusting you Quinn. Don't make me regret it." I said before swallowing thickly in preparation of letting the skeletons tumble out of my closet. And my sexuality as well. I sighed and guessing that I was struggling with how to begin, Quinn threaded her fingers through mine and gave my hand a squeeze; letting me know it was okay. I gave her an uneasy smile at her gesture but I was still scared. I was scared that as soon as I told her she would leave or be disgusted or any of the other things that constantly plagued my mind. But whether I told her now or waited until she found out, I figured her reaction was going to be the same either way so I took one last deep breath and let the words slip past my lips.

"I'm gay Quinn and I'm in love with Brittany." I said, the weight of my confession falling upon us. I had practiced both of those sentences since the day I decided to accept that I was gay and in love with Brittany. I would practice them in my head but it took me a while to say it out loud to myself. But I finally did and I found that even now, the words still wouldn't leave my mouth with ease. Quinn still hadn't said anything and to say that it was making me nervous was an understatement. Just as panic started to settle into my bones, waiting for the worst to happen, Quinn gave me a smile.

"I know." Quinn said simply and I gave her a look that I'm sure was a cross between puzzled and sheer disbelief.

"What do you mean you know?" I asked her incredulously. There was no way she could know. I mean everyone knew Brittany and I fooled around but she couldn't know that it was real.

"Well I didn't know for sure. I suspected and after you and Britt performed landslide it made that speculation a little more solidified." Quinn finished and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her.

"So you mean to tell me you let me nearly have a heart attack at finally letting this out when you knew all along?" I asked and she let out a small chuckle.

"No I just knew you needed to take that step on your own Santana." Quinn replied and I knew she was right. I had to take that step on my own and I finally had. Someone other than Ms. Holiday, myself and Brittany knew. I don't know if I was ready to scream it from the mountain tops like a gay prophet but I was okay with Quinn knowing. If you would have ask me last week if I would let Quinn in on my deepest, darkest, secret I would have told you fuck no.

"I'm okay with it. With you being gay. But more importantly with you being yourself. I'm more than okay with that Santana. The only thing that really matters is that you're happy." Quinn finished and I couldn't help the lump that formed in my throat at her acceptance. It felt good to hear that at least someone in this town wasn't going to hate me for telling the truth. That she wasn't going to hate me for being who I am. I let out a sigh of relief and Quinn gave my hand another squeeze.

"Are you going to tell your mom?" Quinn asked and truthfully, that was the million dollar question. Whether I was going to tell her or not. I shrugged.

"I really don't know Q. I want to, if just to get it off my chest and not have to live with this secret. To not have to live my life only being half the person that I am or as someone who's angry and a bitch all the time. But then there's that part of me that is scared shitless that if I do tell her, then she's going to hate me because of it." I confessed, feeling that sense of dread start to creep up so hauntingly.

"But she's your mom San and I'd like to think that she wouldn't let something like that take away from her love for you." Quinn offered up and I knew what she meant. But that was in a perfect world.

"Yeah I would love to think that too Quinn. I would like to think that she would disregard the catholic morals she's been fed her whole life, disregard the words in the bible that say its a sin, disregard the fact that society sees it as wrong. I would love to live oblivious and think that too but I can't. Because there's a 50/50 chance that she could accept me or hate me because of it. And that scares me. More than anything." I said knowing that it would crush me if I told my mom and she decided to hate me for it. Quinn scooted closer to me and began running her hand soothingly up my arm. It was comforting and welcoming.

"I don't think I could handle it you know? If I told my mom I was gay and she couldn't accept it? Or worse? I don't know if I could stomach seeing that look of disappointment in her eyes or that look of disgust at who I've become. I mean I've lost too much already and I don't know if I'm ready to lose her too." I finished with a sigh. My mom and I didn't have the best relationship but it wasn't a bad one. She was really the only family I had left and I couldn't deliberately hand her an opportunity for her to leave me. Even if she _**is**_ suppose to love me not matter what.

"I wish there was something I could do." Quinn said and I gave her a weak smile.

"This is really something I gotta do on my own Q." I said and she nodded in understanding.

"I know but just know that when it gets to be too much, I'll be here for you." She confessed and I was thankful for her words. In this moment I was thankful that I had Quinn in my life.

"I'm sorry." I said, looking her in the eyes. Quinn's eyebrows furrowed and she spoke up.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?" She asked and I looked down at my hands.

"For all that I did to you. For trying to make your life miserable every chance I got because I wasn't happy. But most of all for not being there for you when you needed it the most. I'm sorry for abandoning you when you were going through the scariest time of your life and just needed a friend. I'm sorry for not being there for you Quinn." I said sincerely because I was sorry. This was one of those rare occasions that I was talking about where I offered up an apology because I meant it. I _**was**_ sorry for not having her back when we were suppose to be friends. For not doing my best to protect her. For tearing her down when she was already at her lowest point and taking pleasure in sinking my heel into her back and pushing her further down.

"Look Santana, we both did things that we aren't proud of. We both sunk our teeth into each other in the name of popularity and lost sight of what our friendship really meant but that's in the past. I'd like to think that's not who we are anymore but it means everything to me that you apologized. Especially when I know that's not something you do often if you can help it." Quinn finished with a chuckle and I joined her. It was the truth. A comfortable silence settled over us before Quinn soon broke it.

"You can tell ya know?" Quinn said and I looked at her quizzically.

"You can tell what? That I'm gay? Is my gay showing or something Fabray?" I asked with a laugh and she joined in but shook her head.

"No, you can totally tell that you're in love with Brittany." She finally answered and I don't know why, but a blush creeped up my neck to color my cheeks the deepest shade of red. I thanked all that was holy for the dark so Quinn couldn't see it, knowing she would pounce at the chance to tease me about it.

"Oh yeah? And how is that?" I asked humoring her and she smiled.

"The way you look at her. Like she's the only person you see. The way you treat her. Like she's the purest form of gold or the most fragile piece of glass you have ever come into contact with. You don't treat her like she's a child or talk to her like she's stupid just because she sees the world a little differently than the rest of us. And you would kick anyone's ass who would dare look at her even slightly funny." Quinn said, a low chuckle coming forth.

"It's in the way you would protect her with your life if you had to but most of all it's in the way you show her the most caring, gentle, and kind side of you that the rest of us would only be so lucky to see." Quinn ended and once again that lump was forming. I cleared my throat to try to get rid of it before I spoke up.

"I haven't shown her that side of me lately." I said, feeling ashamed of myself for treating her like I did. Like I have, since my confession.

"Which brings me to my next question. Why? I know you said you're in love with her but that still doesn't explain why you were drinking yourself into oblivion and burning everything she ever gave to you." I sighed at the memory and my lack of self control.

"I was doing that because I was angry." I began not ready to relive the memory of rejection all over again.

"I told her I was in love with her and that I wanted to be with her but that I was afraid of the consequences that came with accepting that." I said as Quinn listened with rapt attention.

"Brittany told me that she loved me too and that she would be with me if it wasn't for Artie but that she couldn't hurt him. She didn't think it was right to hurt him because I finally decided to accept the fact that I was in love with her." I finished and Quinn raised her eyebrows.

"She said that? That she didn't think it was right to hurt him because you finally decided to accept the fact that you were in love with her?" Quinn asked skeptically, not believing that Brittany would say such a thing.

"Well not exactly but it's basically what she meant." I said rolling my eyes.

"Anyways long story short she chose the cripple over me. She didn't want to hurt him so she hurt me instead." I finished, that angry ember flaring up in my chest again.

"San..." Quinn began but I shook my head, not wanting to hear that she thought me calling him a cripple was wrong or that Brittany didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. They were all things that I knew already.

"Look Santana, I know I have no idea of what happened between you two but Brittany isn't wrong for not wanting to hurt Artie. I mean she kind of has a point." Quinn declared and I frowned at her.

"Who's side are you on Quinn?" I barked at her, as I sat up on the bed; Quinn following suit with her hands raised in acquisition.

"Don't bite my head off Santana. I'm not on anyone's side but I'm also not scared to tell you that Brittany has a point. She can't just dump Artie because you decided it was time for you to finally deal with your issues." Quinn began and I scoffed.

"I watched you push her away from the longest time San. I watched you shut her out every chance you got because you were afraid to love her. I watched you go from boy to boy when I'm sure you knew that Brittany wanted nothing more than for you to be with her only. I also watched a little piece of her die every time you did that shit. I watched her hurt just as much as your hurting right now." As much as I didn't want to listen to her, especially after hearing close to the same thing come from Brittany's mouth once already tonight, I couldn't disregard what Quinn was saying.

"What so you're saying that this is my karma? This is exactly what I get? What goes around comes around?" I asked indignantly and Quinn shook her head.

"No that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that you have to look at it from her point of view. You spent the better part of a year and a half slinging her around like a rag doll, shutting her out, pulling her in and then pushing her away and now all of a sudden you want to switch up the game plan." Quinn said and I shook my head. That wasn't true.

"That's not true okay. If it was up to me I would still be trying my best to shut her out. To ignore what I'm feeling but she wanted me to open up, going on about how it was better with feelings, she kept prying, and digging until I couldn't take it any more! She made me open up, made me feel what it was like to love her and then threw it back in my face! Like it was some kind of game to her!" I yelled, not being able to hold back the angry tears that sprung up. I never asked for this. I never asked to love her. I was fine with the way things were but from the moment she asked me to feel something, I knew I couldn't fight what I had been so desperately trying to fight. What was there in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach from the moment I stared into the most brilliant blue.

"You know that's not true Santana. She just wanted you to accept who you are and how you were feeling. I know for a fact that Brittany would never do anything like that to hurt you because no matter how many times you hurt her, screw her over, no matter what you do to her, she still thinks the sun shines out of your ass." Quinn finished and as much as I tried to suppress it, I let out a watery laugh. I know everything that Quinn just said was the truth but I wanted to believe the former so it would make it easier to hate her. But I knew I could never hate Brittany because I love her. More than anything I've ever loved in this world. I let out a long sigh.

"I don't want to feel like this Quinn. Just breathing hurts without her." I confessed and Quinn gave me a sympathetic smile, squeezing my shoulder.

"I know and sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better but I have a feeling it's going to turn out for the best. You just have to get your head out of your ass and make things right with her again." Quinn said with a smile and I returned it.

"Yeah that might be a good place to start but after tonight I don't think it's going to be so easy." I told her.

"And why's that?" She asked and I looked at my hands that were laying in my lap.

"We uh, we had a fight, I was drunk and I told her we shouldn't be friends anymore. That I couldn't watch her be happy with Artie and after she basically said everything that you said earlier about pulling her around she agreed that we shouldn't be friends either." I finished guiltily and Quinn shook her head at me, throwing me an eye roll as well.

"Well looks like you've got your work cut out for you then S." She quipped and I rolled my eyes as well.

"I don't know I think I'm just gonna give her some space for a while." I said and Quin shrugged.

"Yeah that could work but sometimes space can make the anger fester and the hurt double in magnitude. It gives people too much free time to think about all that's been done." Quinn declared and I rolled my eyes once again.

"Okay Dr. Phil," I deadpanned and Quinn laughed.

"I'm just saying. Plus I think Dr. Phil would have said it a little more poetic than that." Quinn defended and I couldn't help but smile. We both let out a sigh simultaneously which caused us both to chuckle.

"Well I'm emotionally drained. How about you?" I asked sarcastically and she nodded.

"Yes, definitely but I think it was good for you to get some of that heavy stuff off of your chest." Quinn said and I nodded my head agreeing. It did feel like a weight was lifted. Quinn let out a yawn.

"What time is it." She asked and I glanced at my clock that was behind her, the numbers reading 12:30.

"Uh it's 12:30. Why? Got a hot date?" I asked playfully and Quinn shook her head.

"No but I better be heading home. It's late." Quinn declared, making her way out of my bed.

"Um which means you're staying. It's late and you can just borrow some of my clothes. I don't want to hear on the news that you were kidnapped by some perv because I sent you out into the night and have it weigh on my conscience. I already have enough on my plate, I really don't need to add your hostage to the bunch either." I said playfully and she laughed.

"Plus, I know my mom is working and it would be nice to have some company and not have to be by myself tonight. It gets kind of lonely." I finished and Quinn gave me a sympathetic smile but nodded in agreement. I then gave her some boy shorts and a tank top to sleep in and we both got ready for bed. While Quinn was brushing her teeth, I pulled my covers back and climbed into bed, exhausted. Today was not what I had suspected. Far from it, if I'm being completely honest. I didn't expect the fight, the chaos that came after, Quinn, telling her the one thing I swore to never tell anybody else. I didn't expect it. And as Quinn climbed into bed behind me, I didn't expect her to wrap her arms around my waist and pull me into her either but she did and I didn't feel so alone anymore.

"Thanks Quinn. For everything." I said, breaking the silence in the sound waves that had sprung up.

"No problem Santana." Quinn replied as I let out a yawn, exhaustion beginning to take over.

"So does this mean we're friends?" Quinn suddenly asked into the silence and I scoffed.

"Don't get ahead of yourself Fabray." I said playfully, knowing all too well that she was probably rolling her eyes.

"Yeah. It's something we can work on. Something we can try." I finally said letting out a sigh. Accepting it, Quinn wished me a goodnight and snuggled deeper into me. I did mean it though. We would have to work on being friends again. I would have to work on not snapping at her, at taking digs that cut her deep when the slightest chance appeared. And she would have to do the same. So we could try.

"Quinn?" I questioned suddenly curious as to why she was here in the first place. Especially on a Friday night.

"Hmmm?" She replied and I could hear the sleep heavy in her voice.

"Just out of curiosity, what were you doing here in the first place? You know breaking and entering is a serious crime." I stated with a playful laugh and she did as well.

"Even though it was against my better judgment, Brittany insisted I come and check on you. She was worried about you but she knew she couldn't do it herself, so she asked me and well you can't really tell Brittany no." Quinn finished and I knew that was the truth. Telling Brittany no was like telling the pope not to pray. It just doesn't happen. I smiled into the darkness of my room at how caring Brittany was. Even when I was being a bitch to her, she cared about me and that wasn't something easy to come by. Especially not for me. Most people got a dose of my attitude and headed for the hills; never interested in actually getting to know me. But Brittany was the exception and I knew right then and there that I had to do everything in my power to make things right with her. I let out another yawn as my eyes drooped closed, Quinn's arms wrapped securely around me. And for the first time since Brittany and I fell out, I was able to fall asleep with ease.

_**AN: Thank you for reading and the lovely reviews! Keep them coming!**_


	7. Sorry

Quinn sat in the chair opposite me at the Lima Bean, sipping her coffee and glancing around every few seconds. It was unnerving to say the least. I was half expecting something to jump out at me. Or Quinn to tell me the real reason she stopped by last night was because she was running from the FBI. Which brings me to why I'm even up right now. Quinn thought it would be wonderful to wake me up at an ungodly 10:45 this morning to get coffee when I had a hangover that was as detrimental as hurricane Katrina. It definitely didn't help that the sun decided to be disgustingly fucking bright outside either. I rolled my eyes at the situation then spoke up as Quinn continued to play James Bond with the way she was scoping the place out.

"Are you waiting for someone or what? You keep looking around like your fairy godmother is gonna show up any second now and change you from a mouse into a pumpkin." I said with a smirk and Quinn rolled her eyes.

"I'm pretty sure that's not how that story goes and to answer your question, today is the start of operation damage control." Quinn said and I looked at her puzzled.

"What? Did you make Berry cry again? You know I don't like her as much as the next sane person but you really gotta stop making her cry like that. And so often. It's mean. And that's coming from me. Not to mention the little hobbit wailing in the girls bathroom while I'm trying to take a piss is annoying as shit." I told her before taking a sip of my caramel latte. It ran smoothly down my throat and warmed my stomach with sugary goodness.

"Um no. Not damage control for me." I watched her glance from me to the door of the Lima Bean as the bell jingled above it. I turned to see who she was looking at and frowned.

"Damage control for you." Quinn said as Brittany made her way to the counter to order her drink. I knew her order by heart. Green Tea Frappe, venti, extra whip cream. Even if it was below zero outside and storming. Brittany wasn't really a fan of coffee and the only time you'd ever catch her drinking it was if she was really tired and needed an energy boost. Other than that, it was a green tea frappe all the way. I turned back towards Quinn with a glare.

"What are you doing Quinn?" I asked, knowing full well that she had something to do with it. She looked at me sheepishly.

"I don't know what you're talking about. This is what I call a coincidence." Quinn said, trying to play dumb but I saw right through it.

"Sure Fabray. Look I appreciate you trying to help and all but I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I mean surely she is still pissed from last night." I said, turning back to look at Brittany waiting at the pick up counter for her drink. Thank god she wasn't with wheels.

"Santana if you wait for **you** to be ready, then you guys will never talk. Trust me, you'll thank me later." Quinn declared before she called out Brittany's name."

"Britt! Come join us!" Quinn called out and I looked at her in disbelief. I smacked her hand down as it waved wildly towards the other blonde who was now grabbing her drink and heading over. I gritted my teeth. I wasn't ready to talk to her. I mean it was only just last night that I flew off my rocker, told Britt we shouldn't be friends and burned everything that was a symbol of said friendship. I glared at Quinn as she gave me a sweet smile.

"You are so dead..." I muttered as Brittany reached our table.

"It's like ripping off a band-aid." Quinn said quickly then sent a beaming smile towards Brittany.

"Hey Britt! Funny seeing you here." Quinn said and Brittany tilted her head to the side, a look of confusion on her face.

"Quinn, you told me you were gonna be here and that you wanted to meet up. Did you forget?" Brittany asked and I threw a death glare in Quinn's direction. Leave it to her to try and play matchmaker. Quinn had a knack for butting her nose in other peoples business and it made me wonder how her and Rachel couldn't get along. They were both ambitious little gossip freaks who loved to meddle in others' affairs. They were like a match made in my personal hell. I cleared my throat.

"Hey Britt," I said, looking up at her and catching her eyes. Within the deepest blue swirled pain, sadness, betrayal but most of all hurt. I couldn't stand seeing anything other than happiness in those deep pools of blue so I looked away quickly.

"Santana," Brittany said, not even bothering to make eye contact with me and it made me wince. This, for sure, was not going to be easy. Nope. Not at all. I was not prepared for this right now.

"Pull up a chair," Quinn said and the control not to slap the girl silly that I was holding on to for dear life was wavering with each sentence she let loose from that mouth of hers. Brittany plastered a fake smile onto those pretty pink lips of hers and pulled up a chair from the nearest table. Her and Quinn then began to burn through a lot of topics really fast, while I pretended to care. Every now and then Quinn would ask for my confirmation on something and I would hum my 'yes' or grunt my 'no,' having not a clue what they were talking about. I chewed on my straw, bored out of my mind as the two blondes droned on and on. I was ready to get up and leave but Quinn, beating me to the punch, rose from her seat which caught my attention.

"I'm gonna go use the restroom. I'll be back in a sec." Quinn announced, picking up her now empty cup. I narrowed my eyes at her as she gave me a devilish grin before taking off towards the restrooms. And now commence the awkward, tension filled silence. Quinn was the buffer between me and Brittany and me having to talk to Brittany. I glanced around awkwardly and so did Brittany. We sat there in silence for a while, neither knowing what to say.

"I don't think she's coming back." Brittany said sighing and breaking the silence that had settled between us. I knew she was probably right. It had been at least ten minutes since Quinn left to supposedly use the restroom. I rolled my eyes. Quinn Fabray was officially on my hit list. Silence fell upon our table again before my phone buzzed and I thanked Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for the distraction. I slid my phone open to see a text from Quinn.

**I'm not really using the bathroom. I climbed out the window as a means of escape and now you have no choice but to talk to her. Or insult her if you just get up and leave. Please, make good use of this time. - Q**

I read the text three more times. If this were any other situation I would be laughing my ass off that Quinn jumped out the bathroom window but this wasn't any other situation. So naturally I was now planning her untimely demise.

**You are DEAD Fabray. DEAD. I suggest you start thinking of ways you would like to die because I am going to MURDER YOU! - S**

I sighed as I slide my phone back shut and looked at Brittany.

"She left didn't she?" Brittany asked and I just nodded my head. I can't believe Quinn. Brittany sighed, pushing her chair back to get up and leave.

"Where are you going?" I asked incredulously as she put the chair she borrowed from the other table back in its respective place.

"I'm going home." Brittany stated simply as she stood in front of me.

"Why?" I asked and although I knew it was a stupid question, I wanted to hear what she was gonna say. Brittany sighed again before she spoke up.

"Because there's no point in me staying if Quinn is gone. She asked me to come. Had I known it was going to be an ambush I would have told her no. We aren't friends anymore Santana. You wanted it that way and I'm just trying to respect your wish." Brittany finished, her crystal blue eyes etched with anger and hurt. I rubbed my hand across my forehead in frustration. I knew this wasn't going to end well.

"About last night, Britt I was drunk and I didn't mean all that stuff I said to you. I was experiencing a bad case of word vomit from the alcohol and I'm sorry." I said looking up at her. Her face softened a little but she still stood her ground.

"Drunk words are a sober man's thoughts. You hurt me Santana. Drunk or not. And you can't just apologize half-assed and think that things are gonna be okay between us because they aren't." Brittany declared and I frowned.

"I really mean it Brittany. I'm sorry about what I said to you last night. I'm sorry for getting angry with you and I'm sorry for getting angry over what happened. I was hurt and I took all that hurt out on you. I've been an ass to you and you didn't deserve it." I said with conviction and Brittany let out another sigh.

"Okay but it still doesn't change anything. I'm still angry with you and I'm gonna need some time to think things over. I never thought you could hurt me as much as you did last night San. Even when you didn't talk to me for two weeks after the Artie thing. At least I still knew we were friends even if we weren't talking. But last night, when you said you didn't wanna be my friend, that you didn't want to talk to me, that you were avoiding me on purpose. It hurt. So much." Brittany finished, the sadness that creeped into her voice making my heart clench. God, I was such a bitch. I nodded my head at what she said.

"I understand. But just know how truly sorry I am Britt-Britt. I hope you can forgive me." I said sincerely and Brittany nodded her head.

"Yeah...well I guess I'll see you around." Brittany said and I gave her a weak smile.

"Yeah, bye Britt." I replied and then she made her way towards the doors of the Lima Bean and left. I blew out my breath and dropped my head onto the wooden table. That was a disaster. I groaned and rolled my forehead across the cool wood of the table. This redemption thing was going to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I straightened up in my seat and took out my phone popping a text message to Quinn.

**It went disastrous. The End. Don't worry about giving me a lift home. I'll walk. - S**

I put my phone in my pocket, grabbed my lukewarm latte and headed towards the door. I drank the last of the latte out of the cup before trashing it and left the cafe. I was more than glad to walk home. 1). Because if I saw Quinn right now I would choke her out and that wouldn't be good for our new budding friendship and 2). I could use the fresh air and time to clear my head.

_**AN: Ugh this was the part where I got stuck so sorry if it is complete shit but thanks for reading! As always, review and let me know what you guys think about it. Raise your hand if this is going to be the longest 26 days of your life with this Glee hiatus?**_


	8. Lost Without You

The walk home did give me time to clear my head but it still presented no solution on how I was going to mend things with Brittany. If things could even be mended at this point. And the hours I spent staring at my ceiling didn't give me any answers either. Quinn had been texting me practically the whole day after my 'it was a disaster' text apologizing and wanting to know what happened. I didn't text her back and continued to aimlessly flip through channels on my TV. I piddled around my house the whole night doing nothing. Ignoring the outside world if the ten different phone calls and texts were any indication. I was restless and it was already nine at night, so I went upstairs, grabbed my coat and decided I would go for a walk. I didn't have a particular place in mind but my body carried me just outside the gates of Brittany and mines favorite park.

It was actually where we met. I was kicking Puck's ass in a one on one game of soccer when I saw her crying not too far over on the grass. I'll always remember the way the sun bounced off her blonde hair making her this bright ball of light. I walked over to her and asked her why she was crying and she told me that she was playing tag but she fell and scraped her knee. If this was anyone else I would have called them a baby and told them to suck it up but it wasn't anyone else. And I knew from the moment she looked up at me, all tears and bright blue eyes, even at eight years old, that I couldn't be mean to her. That she was something special. I held out my hand to her and told her I'd help her clean it up. So we went to the water fountain, right after I ran into the bathroom to grab tissue, and I wiped the blood off of her knee in which she offered me a smile. Then she asked me if I could kiss it like her mom always did so I did and from then on we were inseparable.

I pushed the gate open to the deserted park and made my way over to the swings. Whenever things got too much for me or Britt, whether it was because of each other, boys, family or anything else, we would always meet at these swings. I would push her and we would just talk whatever it was out. And it always worked for us and it made me wish desperately that she was here. That she would just know and show up. And then we could sort this thing out. But I knew better. So I dug my feet into the sand, pushed backwards and began to kick. The swing rocked back and forth, my feet providing the momentum. I kicked until I was soaring high into the night sky, the chains of the swing clanking from my weight, but I kept going. Trying to catapult my self up to the stars, where maybe I would be able to find some peace. I shut my eyes and tried to remember easier times with me and Brittany. On these same exact swings. Brittany squealing for me to push her higher and higher because it made her feel like she was really flying. And me doing just that because I could never tell her no, even if I was worried she was going a little too high.

It was these same exact swings where Brittany first kissed me. We were fifteen and I had just had a huge fight with my mom about coming home at dawn. It was the first time in a month she was ever there to witness it. And I let her know as much, which caused the whole thing to escalate. So we met here. It was the first time I admitted to her how I felt about my mother working all the time. The first time that I ever admitted, even to myself, that I felt like I was all alone in this big, crazy, fucked up world. I tried desperately to stop the tears because I didn't want to cry in front of her but it was useless. So she leaned over from the other swing and kissed me, giving me that blinding smile. And in true Brittany fashion told me as long as she and I were friends, I would never be alone. And I believed her. I think it was then that I knew that I had fallen for her. That there wouldn't be anyone else like her for me. I just couldn't see it back then and when I finally did, I just didn't want to admit. So now I'm here. Stuck. Because I can't move on but I can't have her either. I slowed the swing down until it came to a complete stop, taking in a deep breath. Sitting here with the memories weren't going to do me any good, so I got out of the swing and began my trek back home. Once my house came in to view, not being that far from the park, I saw a familiar face on my front porch. I sighed as I came to stop in front of her.

"To what do I owe the displeasure Fabray?" I asked and she stood giving me a smile. It was her 'I'm using this smile to try and get you to do something I want' smile and I rolled my eyes. Quinn buried her hands deeper in the pockets of her coat as the chill picked up in the night air.

"Well you've had a pretty shitty weekend Santana," Quinn began as I started to make my way past her to get inside and away from the cold.

"Thanks captain obvious..." I said as I pushed my front door open and felt the warmth from inside coat me.

"So I am personally dragging you to Puck's party so you can take a load off." Quinn finished as she shut the front door behind her. I crossed my arms over my chest, thinking about whether going to Puck's party would relax me or cause more drama.

"Is Brittany going?" I immediately asked and Quinn gave me a small shrug.

"I don't know but if she is or if she isn't, it doesn't matter. You can avoid her the whole night if you want to, which I'm not saying you should because you need to fix this shit you guys are in, but don't let it stop you from having a good time." Quinn finished and I sighed. I really didn't need anymore mishappenings fucking happening with Britt and I. I was already knee deep in shit and add in alcohol and I'm guaranteed to piss her off if she makes an appearance tonight. Or have an emotional break down in front of her. Either way, none of those are good.

"I don't know Quinn. I think it'll be better if I just not go. You know Santana and alcohol do not mix." I said apprehensively and Quinn's eyes softened as she made her way over to me. She ran her hands up and down my arms. I could tell that she was about to go all serious Quinn on me.

"Look Santana, I'm watching you fall apart here. I've never seen you this unhappy and I just want to help. Maybe it'll take your mind off of things. So come out with me, drink, try and let yourself have a little fun because if you don't, this whole mess is gonna drown you." Quinn said as she let her hands fall from my arms and I let out another sigh. She did have a point. I was about ready to scream, pull out my hair and cry all in one go. I needed something to get my mind off of it. I guess Quinn could see my resolve breaking because her smile was back again.

"Plus, think of it as me paying you back for ambushing you then high tailing it from the Lima Bean earlier. Which by the way, I didn't think would cause all that much trouble." Quinn finished with an apologetic smile which received a smack in the arm from me.

"Uh yeah. You're lucky I don't just maim your bonny ass right here in my living room." I said, not meaning it. Well, not _**really**_ meaning it. The smack was enough.

"Then it's settled. Tonight we party!" Quinn exclaimed, throwing out a first pump to which I rolled my eyes playfully at as I made my way to the stairs.

"Hurry it up girly!" Quinn yelled as she slapped my ass to put emphasis on the hurrying.

"Watch your hands Fabray." I told her in mock warning as she held them up in surrender, smile on her face, as I trudged up the stairs.

"I'll wait down here!" I heard her call out as I pushed the door to my bedroom open. I rummaged through my closet and my drawers, trying to find something suitable to wear, deciding on a black v-neck, gray skinny jeans and boots. Once I finished fixing my hair and putting on light make-up, I made my way back downstairs to see Quinn flipping through channels mindlessly. After noticing my presents she shut the TV off and rose from the couch.

"You ready hot stuff?" She asked, smirk in place and I rolled my eyes at her again.

"Come on. Let's get this train wreck over with." I said grabbing my coat and keys before following Quinn out the front door. Tonight could either go two ways. Well or blown to hell and with my luck? What is blown to hell for 200 hundred Alex.

_**AN: OMG I'm so sorry this has taken a decade to get out! I just didn't know where the hell I was going with this but finally I was like no, so I sat down drew up an outline of where I wanted it to go so yeah. I shall try to post every Friday after this update. I'm not making any promises but I do promise it won't take as long as this one took. Hopefully there are still people out there reading lol Anyways, read and review! Thanks =]**_


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